Appalachian summers are filled with heat and humidity. 70 degrees feels like 90. On the really hot days, our family would pile into the minivan and drive three minutes up the hill behind our house. Mom would park at the bottom of the hill. My brother, sisters, and I would pack-mule it up the concrete path. Chlorine and 90’s music greeted us as we walked through the entrance to the city pool. The teenager behind the counter would smile, and pull out our family’s membership card. We dumped our snacks, towels, and blow-up rings in our usual spot: next to the baby pool, but within view of the deep end.
The water, cool and blue, beckoned us to jump. My ten-year-old brother would run to the deep end and climb the high ladder to dive into the 12-foot section. I was content swimming in the shallows. Even though I was a good swimmer, the dark blue water frightened me. I didn’t like to swim where I couldn’t see the bottom.
Sometimes my brother and his friends would sneak up behind me and push me into the deep end. I never found it humorous. I was always mad about it. I didn’t like the feeling of not touching. Panic creeped into my heart as the water lapped beside my neck, seeping into my mouth.
I wanted to know what I was jumping into. I still do. I’m a planner. Last year, I had a plan. As we began the adoption process, I was pretty sure I was prepared for the unknown, even planned for it. I thought I was ready for whatever God’s plan was for our family. But I wasn’t.
As I sat on a lumpy hotel bed in the middle of Zhengzhou, China, I realized I had just jumped into the deep end. And I was mad. The water of fear rushed around my face. I tried to grasp onto truth, but I felt my fingers slipping. God had called us. We had chosen this. But I felt pushed. Pushed into the deep end. I thought, This is not what I signed up for…..
Even a year later, I remember the feelings of drowning. The rushing water of uncertainty, creeping up and over into my comfortable life. It wrecked all of my hard work. Destroyed my plans.
Psalm 42:11 “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” (ESV)
In the middle of my ocean of fear, I couldn’t praise Him. One day I might praise God, but not today, I thought. I held out my hands, empty of praise and found a friend’s hand. Community surrounded our family. We knew the waters were deep, but God had not abandoned us. Until we could touch the bottom, they jumped into the water and held us up.
Living in the deep end, with the waters of fear looming close, brings me more to my knees and to Scripture than ever before. And to my friends. I poured myself into God’s Word and prayed every day for strength. I began living one day a time. It was all could handle as I treaded water. 365 days later, I’ve realized that’s ok. Our God provides just enough. Enough forgiveness. Enough strength. Enough hope. I’ve come to see a change in circumstances will not bring praise, only the truth of God’s Word and trust in His plan.
And slowly my anger melted into praise. Praise to the Father and Son who has revealed how deep His steadfast love truly is – especially while I learn to swim in the deep end.
Oh the river it rushes to madness
And the water it spreads like sadness
And there’s no high ground
Closer to the danger and the rolling deep
Closer to the run and the losing streak
And what brings us to our knees
Psalm 42:7-8 “Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the Lord commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.” (ESV)
Join me as we live in the daily together.
Don’t forget to come back on Tuesday for our link-up!
I’m like you—I don’t want to be pushed into the deep end either. 🙂 I like to have things planned out. But you’re so right that life isn’t that way. God doesn’t show us His plans; we just have to trust that his plans are always better than ours. “Our God provides just enough. Enough forgiveness. Enough strength. Enough hope.” Thanks for the encouragement today to trust HIS enoughness.
I love that: “His enoughness” – He truly is and I am so thankful for that. Thanks for reading!
Here I am reading from Intentionally Pursuing…
Thanks for your words Sarah, and the scriptures also. We are having a hard time and it feels like drowning some…but God. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for reading Diane! Blessings.
I sure can relate to this! I’ve been there – unable to praise, unable to lift my hands, unable to utter a prayer – even though I was a preacher’s daughter, lifelong church girl, worship leader. So grateful He is patient and teaches us and pushes us – into the deep. #RaRaLinkup
Me too! So grateful for His patience and love to teach me!
It’s funny how God calls us to the deep places where we have nothing to grasp or hold onto but Him and Him alone. I do not choose to swim there, but I find myself there. He keeps calling me back to complete dependency on Him and there, in the deep end, I find treasures in the dark that become imprinted on my heart. I’m thankful for the treasures, although I keep hoping to swim in the shallow end once again where my feet can touch the bottom. Thanks for sharing your journey to more in God. I enjoyed it and relate to it very much!
Love this perspective on living in the deep end. Such a powerful thing when we turn to the Lord when we feel like we’re drowning. Thanks for linking up with Mama Shares Monday!
Thanks Moriah for your sweet comment. He is always with us, even when we are drowning. Blessings!
Love this. I do not enjoy the deep end either. I like to feel the ground beneath my feet and know where I am going. But then … I remember, the Lord goes with me. I am never alone. But ever to lean on Him. Grateful to have stopped here this afternoon. Blessings!
So powerful- it is such a Change when we step out in faith. I’m a planner too so I completely can relate to this
I’m a planner too and completely get how you feel. My husband and I were in the deep end with our marriage and it took us finally looking to God again and drawing him near to us, as well as putting him before us, that everything started to fall into place. This is such an inspiring post. God is good and he will give you enough. Thank you for this wonderful reminder. I found your link on waiting on…Wednesday link up.
Thank you for reading and your kind comments Kristen. Praying for your marriage this morning.
I love to sail but I hate the thought of falling into the deep water, not know what’s below my feet. Thank you for the analogy, Sarah, as I think about the events in my life this week and how God is putting a fresh wind in my sails. It is exciting but I will be in over deep waters and I need to stay close to him.
Isn’t is amazing how our Father comes to our rescue when we’re drowning, but He allows us to not touch so we can learn to swim as well? Thanks for sharing your post with us at the Over the Moon Link Party.
Loved this post, Sarah. You described exactly how I felt when I took on the care of my mother-in-law. I had planned and we knew it was the right thing to do, but I also felt “pushed”. But glad I was. God has been so good and with me every step of the way. Thanks. 🙂
Wow . . . I sure know that pushed into the deep end, didn’t sign up for this feeling. So true that those places drive us to our knees, for it’s in the deep end that we need a life saver. Visiting from Adoption Talk Linkup.
When it comes to “sink or swim” just know that you are now a veteran swimmer. We never sign up for what life throws at us. With any luck, we end up with something better than what was planned!
I hate being pushed and u don’t like the deep end, but this…
“We knew the waters were deep, but God had not abandoned us. Until we could touch the bottom, they jumped into the water and held us up.”
Thank you!