I realized I couldn’t be friends with her the way I wanted, the way I was friends with others…..and I wondered immediately what was wrong with me. I wanted to develop a relationship and connection, but it didn’t happen. I know connection takes time….but I wanted to rush the process. With similar hobbies, interests, life-goals, and temperaments I figured the friendship would grow faster and more naturally.

It didn’t. In fact, I realized I probably would never be friends with her like I had once thought. Surprisingly, accepting this reality helped ease the hurt (a little). I was ready to relinquish control….again. I can’t control who likes me. I can’t fix other people’s problems with me. I can act in a Christ-like manner, be kind, courteous, and reach out – but sometimes a friendship just doesn’t grow.

What do we do when friendships don’t grow?

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I should know better.

I’m horrible with plants. I bury the seeds in the ground. I use the best dirt, water them, and then let them bask in the sunlit window in my kitchen. So many times I’ve watched a pot for growth only to see brown soil day after day. Just because you add the right ingredients and do all of the “right” things doesn’t mean growth is automatic.

As I was reflecting on the fact of failed friendships, or a lack of friendship growth, I felt the still small voice from my Father: Focus on the friendships you DO have.

OH MY HEART. It hit me like a ton of bricks, His quiet voice continued: You’ve neglected the friendships you DO have.

There it was. The answer to why He wasn’t opening a door for this new friendship….I needed to learn cultivate the friendships I already have. I have several long-term friendships which run deep and wide. They are my “girls” and I love them all. Each one encourages a different part of my heart, and I am so thankful for them.

So while I wish I could “fit in” with a certain crowd, I can’t. But I do want to be a good steward of the friendships right in front of me. I want to remember to text my Bible study girls with encouraging notes. I want to send my other adoptive mommas messages to help build them up. I want to continue to reach out to the few friends I’ve had since childhood.

The growth will come (if God allows). I need only focus on watering. You see, the reason my plants usually died was not because of the soil or sun, but because I forgot to water them. They sit right in front of the sink. The same sink where I wash dishes several times a day. I fail to see their sweet blossoms and forget to provide the nourishment they need. So they whither. And only when they are dying do I notice.

Today I’m going to write a long letter to a friend in need of prayer.
Tomorrow I’m going to text a sweet momma struggling with a sick child.
Later this week I might make some cookies for a friend just because.

Let’s not forget to water the friendships we already have. When you can’t be friends with “her” – maybe remember to tend the friendships you already have.

Let’s not forget to water the friendships we already have.

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9 Comments

Donna Reidland says:

February 14, 2017 at 6:10 am

This is so very true. I need to do more watering in this area, too! Thanks for hosting each week. Blessings!
Becky Hastings says:

February 14, 2017 at 7:12 am

I love this. I needed this. Friendships as an adult can be just as hard (or harder) than navigating those awkward middle school friendships (I know!)

Being faithful with what we have is so important, and so easy to forget. I’ve spent so many times doing things or seeking people out for approval, for the crowd I wanted to be “in” with, but God may not want that for me. And maybe that’s ok. I love your reminder to water what’s in front of you.

Love him well…..love others well (friend or not)…..and don’t forget what’s right in front of you.
Brooke Grangard says:

February 14, 2017 at 8:38 am

Beautiful post, Sarah. Thank-you for sharing it! <3
Megs says:

February 14, 2017 at 10:58 am

Very insightful, Sarah, and thank you for sharing this piece of your heart. Each of us has such a unique thread of qualities. That makes each friendship unique, too. We are wise not to limit our friendships by what we think they should be …but rather, listen intently to the voice of God …and for His feeling of piece when we’re in the pocket of a godly friendship …or friendship moment.
Happy Tuesday!
Megs
Gretchen says:

February 14, 2017 at 11:44 pm

Boy can I agree with this?! I remember whining to God about the relationships I didn’t have and He finally snapped me to attention by impressing upon me to focus on the friends He had given me. Yet another lesson on gratitude. Great post!
Calvonia Radford says:

February 16, 2017 at 8:54 am

I think I take my friends for granted. No, I know I take my friends for granted. They will always be there. Right? I value our friendship. Therefore, even though we have busy schedules I can and I should be more intentional about connecting with them. I never looked at it like this before. You are a great teacher. Throwing the applicable alongside the biblical. I love it!
Sarah Koontz says:

February 16, 2017 at 10:51 am

I love this: I do want to be a good steward of the friendships right in front of me! A difficult lesson at times, but you are so right, sometimes God closes doors simply because we aren’t finished with the room we are currently in.
Karen Del Tatto says:

February 16, 2017 at 3:25 pm

Thank you for your insights about the importance of cultivating the friendships we already have.

When I first saw the blog post title, I related to it in a different way. There have been women that have come along in my life, but it was me that just didn’t feel connected to them. I seem to have a real “comfort zone” when it comes to the people in my life. So you have actually encouraged me to go outside of my comfort zone because I have so few friends now and I am craving relationships, that I need to start watering for new growth. 🙂

Thanks so much for sharing your heart.
Sarah Donegan says:

February 23, 2017 at 10:08 am

Those friendships that fail to thrive are hard to accept. I had several that I hoped would grow and they haven’t. But I am thankful for the sweet ladies who are always here for me!