How to Seek Light, In the Dark Days

How to Seek Light, In the Dark Days

Coffee in the mornings. Popcorn at night. The same, even when the clock ticks by and nothing changes. Trapped in the guilt from yesterday. Pain from mistakes I’ve made.

Life with little ones (no matter how many you have) is hard. It was hard when I had one child. It is hard with five children. I want them to grow up, but then when they do, I miss it. The feeling of their small bodies as they grow. I wonder sometimes whether I’m spinning my wheels with them. I wonder, at night when I have a moment of quiet, Am I messing it all up? 

Do you wonder too?

The emptiness motherhood brings, no one talks about that. It is a sudden, and sometimes subtile emptiness. No one applauds on the 100th load of laundry. When I get the dishes washed before bedtime, it isn’t met with balloons and streamers. On some days, the daily tasks seem pointless.

The people in my life push and pull. They need for me….well….everything.  My glass seems not half full but empty. Like sucking the last little drops of the milkshake with the straw. And my strength doesn’t return with a nap or a rest-filled weekend. When light is hard to find, the strength leaves too.

Depression can suck the life right out of me. I feel tired all of the time. On the seventh day of my husband’s 12-hour shift weeks, I feel done.  I know a lot of moms do it on their own. I know a lot of moms who are single and alone.

So how do we do it?

Rest. It has to be a priority, especially when life goes is hard, whether we have the energy or not. How? How do I find rest, when depression pulls all of the good out of me? It takes my motivation. I think that’s the hardest part of depression. It isn’t the ache of my muscles, the sadness, or exhaustion. The lack of motivation to do the things I love is the hardest part.

I love to work, write, dream and plan. But when I’m hit with this depression its like my world shrinks. I hate the feeling. The lack of desire is the pits, especially when reading God’s Word doesn’t make me feel better.

What do we do when we don’t feel anything from God? 

Tell my heart: my feelings are not the boss of me. I have to tell myself that today. God hasn’t given up on me, after all these years. He is constant with his love and His faithfulness. My Lord has stood with me through some pretty tough years. After all these years, He is still running after us.

How long did the Father wait for his prodigal? How long did the Father watch the road? Years? Months? Maybe weeks. But everyday. He would get up, walk out to the road, and watch. The Father didn’t move. So fight. Choose.

Depression is not my choice. Depression is not something I can just “trust more” and it goes away. I can’t just believe God more and feel the cloud lift. It will lift eventually, but I’m not sure when. I can choose though. I can get up off the couch. I can turn the Netflix off. I can put my shoes on and go outside.  I will go and sit with my hens.

What can we do to just breathe in something good?

I love my chickens. They come right to me. Something about them – I never thought I would be a “farm girl” and technically I’m NOT a farm girl, but these chickens are my new love. I can’t tell you how calming it is to sit and watch them.

Depression will not win. It won’t because God is here. He will help me to SEEK LIGHT.

Seeking light isn’t about just reading His Word, but mediating on it. Seeking light isn’t about feeling better. It isn’t about a magic. It is about ordinary things.

The best thing I can do for my depression is get to work. I will fold laundry. Wash dishes, by hand. Maybe I’ll work on some technical stuff for the blog. Either way, I’m going to work. Be patient and let God provide the light I need. Seeking light is seeking out the ordinary and normal. It is ok to not feel O.K. and to only be in darkness, but it is not O.K. to let the darkness win.

Seek light. For me, my list will look like this:

• Sit outside with my chickens for ten minutes.
• Fold three baskets of laundry.
• Let my husband bring home dinner (and not feel guilty about it).
• Wash the dishes by hand.
• Play a board game with my seven-year-old.
• And maybe watch Moana with my four-year-old.

Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me. Micah 7:8

How will you seek light today?

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