6 Feelings I’m Feeling about Back to School
6 Feelings I’m Feeling about Back to School
Last week my two oldest birdies flew. Maybe not the way I would have pictured life, five years ago, but here I am. A first-time “Kindergarten” mom. Yes, I have a little girl in Kindergarten, but I’m talking about my older boys. The ones who will be in 4th and 2nd grade are my making feel like I’m in a glass case of emotions. I’m the kindergarten mom, who will cry cried buckets of tears about her little boys going off to school. Just picturing them walking into the building, with their backpacks and new clothes makes my heart hurt. They are attending school for the first time this year and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Friend, let me admit to you: ALL of the feelings are truly here. I’ll list them out, because I’m a list-maker.
6 Feelings I’m Feeling about Back to School
1. I feel like a failure. There. I said it. It’s true. I grew up in a homeschooling family. My children are 2nd generation homeschoolers. I love teaching them at home. I genuinely love everything about it. And none of my friends or family have even hinted at my failure. But it’s there. Probably from my perfectionist heart. I feel I’m letting them down by sending them to school. I feel like I’m shirking my responsibility. I KNOW none of those things are true, but my feelings have me thinking all kinds of things.
2. I feel a huge amount relief. I felt like screaming “FREEDOM” the moment I dropped them off at school the first day. Even though I miss them (see number three), I am so excited to only have three little ones at home for most of the day. I’m already planning all of the things I can get done. And having only ONE to teach feels so relaxing and FUN.
3. I miss them way too much. My heart is torn in two at the thought of it. I have been with my boys since day one. I have never had them at a babysitter while I worked. The only two times I’ve been away more than a few days was two years ago and this summer when we adopted. That’s it. When I am home, they are home with me. A few years ago my mother-in-law took them for a week to stay at her house. I thought I was going to die I missed them so much. They are crazy and wild and the loudest boys I know but they are my boys. And my heart is missing them like crazy!!!!
4. I feel a burden lift from of my shoulders. I have always felt the burden of educating my children. My mother homeschooled. I went to college to be a teacher. When our oldest was four, we prayed and prayed and finally landed on homeschooling and I was ready for the responsibility. But last year (and even the year before that) I’ve felt it – like a weight – instead of a joy. It has been hard to carry, and so I imagine myself aligning beside their teachers and sharing the burden. As a parent, I am still responsible for their learning, but now I get to share the load. I am excited to let someone else speak into their hearts and minds. My voice will still be the loudest and most influential, and I am not threatened by their teachers. They are attending the best private school (in my opinion) in the area. I so am excited.
5. I am over the moon excited for them. They will blossom this year in a different way. They will get things I cannot give them. I know my limitations, and as hard as it is to admit it – I feel so excited that they will get everything they need this year. I’m not talking friends (we had friends as homeschoolers). I’m not talking education, (I taught them what they needed to know). I’m not equipped to teach them everything this year. I have two needy toddlers and a little girl who has been shoved to the side these past two years. She has dealt with a lot since we adopted two years ago. I have not been able to focus on her, not just her schooling, but her as a person. So….
6. I am so ready to pour my energies into my three littles. Sharing the burden with the boys means the three youngest get more of “mommy.” And I can’t wait to see what this homeschooling year looks like for my sweet girls. And our little fireball, crazy man will just be hanging on for the ride. My goal is for him to stop screaming about everything.
So when I found this GIF, I realized it is a perfect capitulation of my feelings toward school this year. I am in a glass case of emotions. Mostly good, now that I list them out. And the untruths will be drowned out my the TRUTH I let God speak to my heart. (Come back next week for more on this….)
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