Feeling The Presence of Jesus at Night

Feeling The Presence of Jesus at Night 

Today’s post is written by my friend and counselor Jen. 

It was midnight and I was still lying curled up in a ball on my bed. I was alone, tears running down my face, and looking over at the bottle of pills on my nightstand. That bottle is a lifeline and I take one of the little blue asrrg pills each night. They are called antipsychotics and they help control my Bipolar II highs. The bipolar high was not what was bothering me that night, instead, it was the low. I was so low I was wondering if it was worth going on. Trying to hide it from my husband while he was away, I had not told anyone about my nightly meeting with my bottle of pills.

They called to me. The pills that were usually my lifeline became a siren song of life being over. It would just take a moment of decision, of answering the call, to take them all and drift off to sleep for the first time.

The darkness was so overwhelming that I considered it. I heard that siren song and started to believe it was true. Night after night I battled, staring down that bottle and wondering if I should just give in.

If you were to peek inside my bedroom, you would have thought I was battling alone. My husband was out of town, and I didn’t want to let anyone know the struggle (my mistake!). This meant I was in the room and looked alone. But I never was.

When the darkness was overwhelming, it was still sweet, because it was there I most felt the presence of Jesus. He sat beside me on that bed and held me close. He made sure his truth was louder than the song of death. In my mind, I could see him there, holding out just a little light, just enough to illuminate his face and let me know he was there. Enough to negate the darkness and assure me he was never leaving me, I was never alone. 

During that time, he would remind me of these words from Psalm 16:7-9

I will bless the LORD who counsels me – 

Even at night when my thoughts trouble me

I always let the LORD guide me.

Because he is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad 

and my whole being rejoices;

My body also rests securely.

Even at night, I would not be shaken. Even when my thoughts pulled me towards death, the Lord guided me because he was at my right hand. Because of his presence, I could be glad in the face of death and my body could rest.

In those weeks of darkness, of my nightly meeting with my pills, Jesus battled with me. I will never forget his grace to me or the way he illuminated just enough of my darkness to see only him.

Jennifer Holmes is a Biblical Counsellor and Director of the Hope Care Centre. She comes alongside churches in the mental health and relational care of their people by offering resources, seminars, and one on one care. She is also a speaker, podcaster, and writer on the topic of mental health and faith. You can find her latest book on her website, jensnewsong.com as well as her podcast and other resources. Follow her on Instagram for encouragement and glimpses into her daily life. Here she works out what it means to be a Christian living with mental illness.

Jen’s book has been so encouraging to me during my season right now in life. You can check out her 90 days through the Psalms here. Each one designed to give you the assurance that God is good, you are loved, and you are not alone.