What Depression Taught Me

What Depression Taught Me

I remember her pancakes. And her klondike bars. The dark red armchair and her distaste for animals in the house. My grandmother was an amazing woman and I always remember her during this time of year. October 31, 2010, she passed away. For the past thirteen years I’ve walked through the grief of losing someone and her death was a catalyst for depression to enter my life. 

I remember telling my husband one night, “If I only had a reason to feel this way, it would make it easier.” It was the first time in my life I really felt as if God had abandoned me. I knew God cared and loved me because the Bible said so. During the day I would pour into my heart the truth from God’s Word, but it all felt empty because the sun would set, and night was the worst. 

The dark feelings would bubble up and I would cry every night. This wasn’t the first time I had felt this way. Throughout my high school and college years I would react to stress by turning inward and feeling depressed. I am a planner, control-loving, and get-things-done kind of woman. I don’t have time for depression. 

Whenever those feelings would come during high school or college, I would push them aside. I never dealt with them and stuffing it way down deep inside my heart seemed like the best solution.

Depression

Depression came like a dark cloud and it never has fully left. I’ve enjoyed seasons where it isn’t too dark, but there have been plenty of seasons that the sun didn’t shine. I didn’t sign up for depression, but here we are. Here I am. I’ve prayed for God to take it away. Instead of removing it, God has used it. 

Depression became my teacher. Over the years I’ve learned about God, myself, others, and truth as I’ve walked through the valleys. There came a point a few years ago that I realized something. I realized I wouldn’t have changed my life if I had the chance. Depression is hard and painful and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I also see how God has used this in my life. 

Depression has given more than it has taken. 

In battling depression I’ve learned to rely on God for my daily strength and joy. I’ve had to cling to God’s Word as a lifeline when my feelings don’t match up to the truth I read about. God’s character has been magnified as I’ve wrestled with the hard questions. What if the worst thing in your life God can actually use to draw you closer to Him? He did that with depression. 

I share more of my story in my book, I Didn’t Sign Up for This. You can order a copy of the book here.