How to Keep a Marriage Strong
This year my husband and I are celebrating twenty years of marriage. It seems impossible that we are already here. (Scroll to the very bottom to see some pictures of us through the years.)
As I’ve reflected on these past twenty years, I distinctly remember riding in a church van with one of my friends. We were taking our youth group to an amusement park and had a four hour drive. I was newly married, maybe just a few years into the joys of it.
As I talked to her, she and her husband were coming up on fifteen years of marriage. Fifteen felt like a huge number at the time. She smiled at me and told me some good lessons she had learned.
One thing she said I’ll never forget was this: “I love him more now than I did.” I didn’t think that was possible. I was so in love with Jason at the time. There was no way I could love him more, but if you’ve been married longer than ten years you know. You know. Loving your spouse does indeed grow and change into a deeper, sweeter and more amazing kind of love than you had at the beginning.
Wouldn’t Trade It
I wouldn’t trade that newly married love for this kind of love we have now, even if you offered me a million dollars. This twenty-year love sits on the foundation of heartaches, joys, pain, sweetness, intimacy, and friendship. To keep loving a spouse isn’t easy, but in some ways it is. I’m not a marriage expert and I don’t claim to have all of the answers, because every marriage is different. My husband and I don’t have the perfect answer, but we do have a few things that we have learned.
The only reason I know these ways work is because I’ve seen them in other people’s marriages too. If you are in a hard place and your spouse is hard to love, I would encourage you to take a look at this list with an open heart and go speak with a friend, pastor, or counselor. I don’t give these as absolutes, I only share what has worked for us.
5 Ways to Keep a Marriage Strong
- Love God most. Seems simple, but God still must remain the first place in your heart. It does not work in a marriage if you put your spouse first. It just doesn’t. Although Jason fills my love tank and provides for me in a hundred ways, God fills the deepest part of me. My true safety and provision is from Him.
- Love your spouse before kids. Children take time, energy, and suck everything out of you. They leave you emotionally, spiritually, and physically exhausted, but there still has to remain some for your spouse. No matter how often one of us wanted to go to bed early, we stayed up to talk after the kids went to bed. Although it stretched our budget, we paid a babysitter twice a month (at least) to go out on dates. Jason comes before the kids and I know I come before the kids in his eyes.
- You’re on the same team. I think this took us a little while to really understand and live out this idea. No matter what disagreements or arguments or “discussions” you might have, remembering that you are on the same team is key. Remember: you want the same thing. If you don’t, and it feels like you are constantly battling, it might mean that you need to speak to someone about your marriage. Marriage is about being ONE and being together on all of the important things.
- Grow together. I am not the same person he married, and neither is Jason. Twenty years changes you, but we have chosen to grow together. We have chosen to love each version of each other. Our bodies, minds, thoughts, ideas, and goals have changed over the years. Love has stayed the same. Over and over I choose to love him. He does the same for me.
- Be intentional. As you make choices moving forward, be intentional with each other. If you are newly married, this is particularly important for you. As you look at the choices before you, intentionally choose the things that will keep you and your spouse close. This includes choices about finances, jobs, children, and places you live. Time together is a must, but also you must factor in life. What choices are you making that will intentionally put you and your spouse together?
A Personal Story…
As for the last point, I will share a little bit of our personal story. Early in our marriage I told my husband, “I would rather have you at home than more money.” His choices were open as to the type of doctor he would be when his residency was over. What mattered to me was not the money, the nice house, or the rich neighborhood. What I wanted was him. I wanted a husband and father who was home with me and the children.
He has said over and over how impactful that was for him. That did not mean he gave up what he wanted to do, but rather when there were equally good choices, he made the choice to be with us instead of making more money.
When we moved to the mission field we also made an intentional decision to not do a ton of stuff separately. Jason could have just gone on short-term trips and been gone several weeks out of the year – away from us. Instead, we wanted to stay together and serve the Lord together. That’s why we moved to Honduras as a family.
One of the reasons (among many) we felt confident moving back to the states was because the agency we were with increasingly started asking Jason to do more traveling. Jason was not comfortable leaving his family in a third-world country for long periods of time. But this also went against what we had intentionally decided at the beginning of our marriage.
Be Together
Jason easily said “no” to that request. We have talked about it and looking back we would not change a thing about that decision for him not to do a lot of travel. This really bonded us both as missionaries, rather than thinking he was the missionary and I was just there to support him. We had decided years ago that we wanted our children to have both dad and mom together at home. But more than that, we were in this life together.
The best way to love your spouse is to be together. I know that is super simple and silly, but just doing everything together keeps a marriage strong.
Here are a few pictures from our honeymoon and wedding!
