Finding Community By Letting Go of Comparison 

Guest post by Cara Blondo 

“You’re not the best, so you don’t belong.” These words echoed in my mind despite no one speaking them out loud. After years of finding my worth and value in my performance, it was a belief I buried deep in my heart. 

However, now, I was no longer a young dancer but a daughter–a child of God.

I wasn’t a competitor auditioning for a part in a performance but a new creation trying to find my place in a church community. Like the girl from long ago, I wanted nothing more than to be accepted. 

But the old lies persisted, causing me to believe that the personal connections I longed for were dependent on being the best, the first, or the most whatever (fill in the blank). Deep down I thought I needed to prove to others, as well as to myself, that I was worthy of inclusion.

I was desperate for the Lord to free me from living in this state of comparison–which only led to competition–so that I could live for him and experience the blessing of belonging that comes from him.

Finding Community By Letting Go of Comparison 

I Went to the Bible for Help

God used the relationship between King Saul and David to begin this work. While these two men had a complicated relationship with one another, it began as a cordial one. At King Saul’s request, David began serving Saul by playing soothing music. Whenever Saul was troubled by an evil spirit, David sang to him. Saul liked David and made him his armor bearer, a position of trust and honor (see 1 Kings 16:15-21). 

However, after David killed Goliath (see 1 Kings 17), things changed: “When the men were returning home after David had killed the Philistine, the women came out from all the towns of Israel to meet King Saul with singing and dancing, with joyful songs and with timbrels and lyres. As they danced, they sang: ‘Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.’ Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. ‘They have credited David with tens of thousands,’ he thought, ‘but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?’ And from that time on Saul kept a close eye on David” (1 Samuel 18:6-9).

Because Saul was no longer viewed as the best or most successful. His relationship with David turned from friend to foe. His jealousy disrupted their harmony–despite having already belonged. After all, he had a place on the throne and a place in people’s hearts. But the whispers of comparison and competition prevailed.

Comparison and Competition

I’ve been there, and perhaps you have, too. I’ve allowed the same whispers to convince me that I was unwanted, unliked, or unworthy of being included because of an arbitrary failure based on a self-imposed standard. 

The next time you hear the whisper of comparison and are tempted to believe that because you’re not the best, you’ve proved you don’t belong, recall these truths instead:

4 Truths When You Feel Like You Don’t Belong

1. If you’ve placed your faith in Christ, you belong to him. Allow this reality to shape your everyday experiences and interactions with others. Start with the mindset that you already belong–because you do–to the Creator of the universe!
2. Prayerfully accept–and grow into–the person God made you to be. Your personality, strengths, talents, and giftings are all part of how God formed you. You’ll experience connection with the right community.
3. Begin to let go of comparison through appreciation. Learn to appreciate and value your strengths and accomplishments and those of others instead of being threatened by them. As you do, the feeling of isolation will give way to one of  inclusion.
4. Replace competition with celebration. Instead of celebrating that he slayed thousands, King Saul focused on David’s tens of thousands. The truth is that both men played a part in the victory. They both had a place of belonging despite Saul being unable to realize it. When you celebrate the success of others, you’ll see them as a friend instead of a foe and remember there’s a place for you both. 

Although King Saul continued to view David as a threat for the rest of his life, which led to greater isolation, it doesn’t need to be the same for us. By God’s grace and through his Spirit at work within us, it is possible to overcome comparison and experience the authentic community we not only long for–but were created for.

Want to connect with Cara? Check out her website and resources here, and join her on Instagram as well!